BARBARIC, PANTLESS SONS OF THE GIANT SEXY CAVE AMAZONS
(The rules included herein are intended for use with the Astonishing Swordsmen & Sorcerers of Hyperborea rules, but they could easily be adapted to any OSR-style retroclone or original.)
Among the Barbaric, Pantless Atlanteans of the Gigantic Mirth tribe, the following rite is performed: In order to be named war chief, a gloryseeker must first allow himself to be captured for mating purposes by the Giant Sexy Cave Amazons, who dwell in the Caves of Immeasurable Splendor and raid the tribelands of the Barbaric, Pantless Atlanteans for well-gammed menfolk. If the candidate survives this union uncrippled and a son is brought and abandoned by his Giant Sexy Cave Amazon mother in the father’s village nine months later (as Giant Sexy Cave Amazons only keep and raise their female children, who grow to become 9′ tall Amazons themselves), he may thenceforth lead his people into battle, as he has proven his mettle, his prowess, and his vigor.
These sons, however, grow prodigiously and often eat more than their fellow tribesmen believe is decent or advisable, but in time they become great, powerful warriors (if not a little sensitive by Barbaric, Pantless Atlantean sandards) warriors. On average, the Barbaric, Pantless Sons of the Sexy Cave Amazons will grow to over 7′ in height, not quite reaching the 9′ of their mothers but towering above their fathers’ people. Other than these differences in heritage, and abandonment issues, Barbaric, Pantless Sons of the Giant Sexy Cave Amazons differ very little, culturally, from their Barbaric, Pantless Atlantean cousins and sires.
Within Barbaric, Pantless Atlantean society (or lack thereof), the Barbaric, Pantless Sons are treated with a combo of awe and tight-lipped pity. As they age and it becomes apparent their mental and social growth is as stunted as their bodily growth is prodigious, their tribesmen will often develop entire cults of personality around the local Barbaric, Pantless Son as way of explaining away not only their oftentimes quite obvious deficiencies, but why they’re a cut above the rest physically. (It should be noted here that Giant Sexy Cave Amazons, who will be detailed in a later post, do not suffer from these same deficits; it’s a nurture over nature sort of deal.) Nothing makes the tribesmen feel as guilt-ridden as hurting a Barbaric, Pantless Son’s feelings. You’d understand, as well, if you had to see a nearly 8′ tall barbarian bawl like a petulant toddler with a Strength attribute of 19. So, it’s not uncommon for a Barbaric, Pantless Son to be told (and believe) outrageous legends concerning his birth and childhood by his father or tribesmen if he ever bothers asking. Roll a 1d8 and consult the following table determine the nature of this origin yarn:*
- Kidnapped by Fanged Cave Goons as an infant who replaced his brain with dung.
- Discovered in the wild having been raised by an actual boulder.
- A long time ago, a great sage journeyed to the tribe’s village from the holy mountains of Crom!’s Bones and spoke of a time when a hero of unmatched prowess would umm, uhh… “Hey, look at that woolly triceratops over there is trying to stand on its hind legs!”
- For two years before the Barbaric, Pantless Son was born, his father strictly ate four raw horned brontosaur eggs for breakfast each morning.
- “Your mother didn’t love you, and I don’t either, now shut up!”
- Toddled off from a long lost tribe of Giant Barbaric, Pantless Atlanteans (disclaimer: no such tribe exists), found his way to the village that raised him, and once coming of age, he absolutely should definitely return to them the first chance he gets.
- Dropped off outside the father’s yurt by a two-headed pterodactyl.
- Harvested, like all children, of course, from a patch of Hyperborean Spawn-Cabbages.
*Note: Such flimflam about origins and backstories justifying behaviors and choices displeases Crom! so be warned. The GM may want to determine that such a background disqualifies Barbaric, Pantless Sons of the Giant Sexy Cave Amazons from being Worthy of Crom! but the lack of detail in this backstory and the fact that it’s completely false should be enough to allow them to be Worthy of Crom! though Crom! himself may be less understanding.
Barbaric, Pantless sons of the Giant Sexy Cave Amazons apply a +2 to Strength and +1 Constitution but a -2 to Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma, as they are densely made, both physically and mentally,
Pantless Sires: When not wearing pants (except loincloths or codpieces, though these are optional), as their fathers’ people, Barbaric, Pantless Sons of the Giant Sexy Cave Amazons receive a bonus Luck Point and +1 to Armor Class. (Rules for Luck found here.)
Mommy Issues: Likely due to their abandonment as babes and being suckled upon the less bountiful mammaries of Barbaric, Pantless Atlantean wet nurses, Barbaric, Pantless Sons have a hard time of it interacting with members of the opposite sex, receiving a -2 reaction adjustment when doing so. This manifests as anything from insurmountable bashfulness to a severely misguided overconfidence in their own sex appeal.
Tribe: Barbaric, Pantless Sons of the Giant Sexy Cave Amazons roll for their Barbaric, Pantless Atlantean tribe as per described in the entry for the other race; however, Barbaric, Pantless Sons add a +2 to their roll as they are more likely to hail from one of the southern tribes, due to their proximity to the Jungles of Baslaag where the Cave of Immeasurable Splendors is located. The northern tribes never count Barbaric, Pantless Sons among their numbers. (Details regarding Barbaric, Pantless Atlantean tribes forthcoming in a future post.)
Tribal Occupation: Roll on the same table as a Barbaric, Pantless Atlantean for the Barbaric, Pantless Son’s tribal occupation.
What is Most Pumped in Life? Being that what is best in life is inborn and not a social construct, Barbaric, Pantless Sons of the Giant Sexy Cave Amazons do not roll on the What is Best in Life? Table. Instead they roll on the much narrower, much more exuberant What is Most Pumped in Life? Table below.
|d6||What is Most Pumped in Life?||Weak…||So Pumped!|
|1||…fresh cave bear grease slathered over your bod…||Must maintain greasing with cave bear (or suitably badass animal) grease or lose bonuses and suffer depression (disadvantages on some rolls)||Gain Glistening Gams as a Barbaric, Pantless Atlantean except at a 4:12 and +8% on Extraordinary Feats of Dexterity when properly greased|
|2||…skin bronzed by wasteland sun…||3:12 chance per month of developing melanoma; dead in 2d3 months unless removed||Unaffected by heat damage from sun, unappetizing to primordial beasts (3:12 chance they’ll only bite once or spit out if swallowed whole)|
|3||…rock solid shoulders, arms, and chest…||Skipped leg day; speed reduced by 10’||+8% bonus to Extraordinary Feats of Strength when lifting in squat position (or deadlifting), +2 damage to unarmed attacks|
|4||…to get one’s beast on…||Speaks monosyllabically, semi-literate despite Intelligence||Body hair almost like an animal’s (or Burt Reynolds’) grants +1 to AC|
|5||…make sickest of gains…||Must succeed Test of Strength first thing in the morning or Strength treated as 2 points lower for rest of day||If Extraordinary Feat of Strength is passed at beginning of session, receive 10% experience point bonus for that session|
|6||….hear the lamentations of the herniated…||When failing Extraordinary Feat of Strength make Test of Luck or suffer hernia||Extraordinary Feat of Strength to intimidate/impress those of lower Strength (grants either +1 to hit/+2 dmg and/or +2 reaction to influence or -2 to their Morale)|